Clerkship Craziness

Yesterday morning was the first time since I started graduate school that I actually questioned whether or not I should continue with the doctorate program at Fuller. At about 9:20AM, I received a phone call from the one clerkship site I had been able to apply for (the Semel Institute at UCLA), and was told that all their positions had been filled.

I hung up the phone, and instantly, everything I had poured into the last three years--the extra time spent in the lab, the hours devoted to grading papers and preparing lectures, the commute to and from the hospital for the last 8 months, the time and effort I'd invested at my assistantship, not to mention all the work involved with classes and research--felt like an enormous waste of time and energy. All the insecurities that I had been holding at bay for the last several years suddenly came flooding back. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't hard-working enough. Why did I ever think I had what it takes to make it through a doctoral program?

But then, as I felt myself starting to fall apart, I also felt the love of those around me holding me up and keeping me together. As I called my parents to tell them the bad news, I had a flashback of when I was in eighth grade and brought home a "D" in English for never turning in my work, and my dad holding me telling me it wasn't the end of the world.

So I think yesterday, I reverted back to being a 13-year-old girl who needed to be told that everything was going to be okay. And I am lucky enough to count on both hands the number of people in my life who were there to do that for me when I really needed it, through sitting with me, phone calls, texts, and e-mails. How awesome is that? Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am.

I should end this post by informing the reader that two hours after that phone call from the Semel Institute, I received a call from Harbor-UCLA Medical Center and was offered a position in their neuropsychological ambulatory clinic. I was shocked because when I had first applied to Harbor in February, I wasn't even offered an interview and I was pretty disappointed. So of course, I accepted.

I think I'm still processing everything that happened yesterday, so I don't really have a concluding statement for this post yet. For now, I can say a whole-hearted "thanks" to the people who helped me through this craziness, and that my confidence is a lot less shaky than it was yesterday morning. I just need to breathe for a little bit now...