it's not that complicated...yes it is.

Why I Love Bluegrass

2010-06-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I went to see the Watkins Family Hour at the Largo for the second time since I've been in Pasadena. Just as anticipated, the experience was heavenly. The Watkins siblings, Sarah and Sean, who make up two thirds of the neo-bluegrass group Nickel Creek, were joined on the stage by Crooked Still, among a few other of their "musical friends," as Sean refers to them on his web site. I just about died when Aoife O'Donovan of Crooked Still sang a cover of "Too Busy Thinking About My Baby" by Marvin Gaye, backed up by a guitar, banjo, fiddle, lap steel, and stand-up bass. Inarguably, it doesn't get any more awesome than that.

This show cemented for me what I love about bluegrass music. It's a genre that is completely unpretentious. There was no fancy lighting or costuming; everyone on stage was casual in both dress and demeanor. You got the sense that the Watkins had simply rounded up a few of their friends for a jam session. Bluegrass has no image to maintain or target audience to draw in; it's simply about playing good music and having a good time. As my friend noted, this down-to-earthness was reflected in the 300-member audience, the makeup of which ranged from underaged hipsters to couples in their 40s and 50s going out for a night on the town.

And of course, the key element that makes good bluegrass so enjoyable is the amount of skill and talent it requires. Both times I have seen the Watkins and friends play, I am left sitting in my seat for several minutes after the show with the unanswerable question "How did they DO that?" running through my mind. I mean, have YOU ever seen someone shred on the banjo?

Anyway, I guess I'll just wrap it up here by reiterating what a great show the Watkins and friends put on Thursday night. Sarah, your fiddling always blows me away, and Sean, I will never understand how your fingers move so quickly up and down the neck of your guitar. Thanks for the transcendental experience. Hope to do it again soon.

Clerkship Craziness

2010-04-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning was the first time since I started graduate school that I actually questioned whether or not I should continue with the doctorate program at Fuller. At about 9:20AM, I received a phone call from the one clerkship site I had been able to apply for (the Semel Institute at UCLA), and was told that all their positions had been filled.

I hung up the phone, and instantly, everything I had poured into the last three years--the extra time spent in the lab, the hours devoted to grading papers and preparing lectures, the commute to and from the hospital for the last 8 months, the time and effort I'd invested at my assistantship, not to mention all the work involved with classes and research--felt like an enormous waste of time and energy. All the insecurities that I had been holding at bay for the last several years suddenly came flooding back. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't hard-working enough. Why did I ever think I had what it takes to make it through a doctoral program?

But then, as I felt myself starting to fall apart, I also felt the love of those around me holding me up and keeping me together. As I called my parents to tell them the bad news, I had a flashback of when I was in eighth grade and brought home a "D" in English for never turning in my work, and my dad holding me telling me it wasn't the end of the world.

So I think yesterday, I reverted back to being a 13-year-old girl who needed to be told that everything was going to be okay. And I am lucky enough to count on both hands the number of people in my life who were there to do that for me when I really needed it, through sitting with me, phone calls, texts, and e-mails. How awesome is that? Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am.

I should end this post by informing the reader that two hours after that phone call from the Semel Institute, I received a call from Harbor-UCLA Medical Center and was offered a position in their neuropsychological ambulatory clinic. I was shocked because when I had first applied to Harbor in February, I wasn't even offered an interview and I was pretty disappointed. So of course, I accepted.

I think I'm still processing everything that happened yesterday, so I don't really have a concluding statement for this post yet. For now, I can say a whole-hearted "thanks" to the people who helped me through this craziness, and that my confidence is a lot less shaky than it was yesterday morning. I just need to breathe for a little bit now...

Silly Moments at Practicum

2010-04-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

Scenario 1: I am just about to complete an intake evaluation with a new patient, who thus far has not endorsed any symptoms of clinical significance and seems to be adjusting well to his hospitalization.

Psychology Student: So Mr. X, unfortunately, our session's just about to end. Anything else you wanted to talk about today?

Mr. X: Actually, yes. There is one thing that has been bothering me...

Psychology Student: Oh? What is that?

Mr. X: Well, those little green guys that come into my room every night right before I go to sleep. Where do they come from? How do I make them go away?

Psychology Student: (uncomfortable silence) What? well, um....uh....

Mr. X: HAAAAA---hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Psychology Student: Dangit!

(I really did say "dangit" outloud--couldn't hold it in.)

Scenario 2: During a session, I am talking with a couple of patients about how their appetites have been as part of a screener for depressive and/or anxiety symptoms.

Mr. Y: The food's okay.

Mr. Z: The food's terrible. Hey, could you bring us some Kentucky Fried Chicken? That's the only way my depression is gonna go away.

Psychology Student: Well, what's on the hospital menu today?

Mr. Y: Some pasta or something...

Mr. Z: You want me to feel better, right? That's your job!

Psychology Student: Is it?

Mr. Z: I don't need no therapy. I need me some chicken and mashed potatoes. Mmm..that sounds GOOD.

Psychology Student: I'm not getting you chicken.

Mr. Y: Give her a break, she's just a student!

Mr. Z: I know! That's why I thought I could get her to buy me some KFC!

Nice try, Mr. Z.

Chinese Opera at the Dinner Table

2010-04-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Dad's stories at the dinner table usually involved creating sound effects by hitting a wooden spoon against an array of glasses, metal bowls and pots of various sizes. These sounds were meant to imitate the gongs and cymbals used in traditional Chinese theater.

Hence, the stories would go something like this:

"Once upon a time, there was a boy named ______." boing!

"One day, he overslept, and realized he was late for class, so he jumped out of bed and he ran as fast as he could to school." gong-gong-gong-gong-gong (the sound of feet running)

"On his way to school, it began to rain." ping...ping...ping...ping (softly falling rain)

"Then, it began to thunder!" CRASH (thunder)

"...and then the rain began to pour!" ping-ping-ping-ping (more raindrops) CRASH, CRASH (more thunder)

And so on and so forth. We loved it.

2010-04-06T19:37:00.001-07:00

When you try to make everybody happy, somebody always ends up paying.

Modernism fails again!

2009-03-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

"The Western empirical, materialistic tradition of science takes the stance that if something cannot be observed and measured it does not exist. To study the full range of consciousness, this archaic and human-centered view must give way to the possibility that the range of reality extends beyond ordinary human sensory-perceptual experience" (p. 449).

I'm excited about this quote because, it's not from a theology or philosophy book--it's from my (secular) neuropsychology text.

Zillmer, E. A., Spiers, M. V., Culberson, W. C. (2008). Principles of Neuropsychology. Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadworth.

: )

Projectives

2009-01-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

This is a chalk on canvas piece called "Bust of a Woman" by Picasso. We discussed it in class today, and I was struck by the diversity of the interpretations it received from my classmates. Some saw this woman as being seductive and others saw her as being afraid. While some saw her hand gesture as one of strength and confidence, others saw it as one of defensiveness.

As I began to formulate my own interpretation, I started realizing how much of ourselves we project into works of art such as this, that are striking enough to provoke us, and ambiguous enough to force us to draw our own conclusions.

So, how do I see this woman, aside from what Picasso may have intended?

First, her gaze and her positioning (her body is centered to the left of the canvas) indicates to me that there is someone standing at her side, facing her. Her hand, the focus of piece, is rather masculine, and it divides the image in two--to the right is mostly shadow and darkness, and to the left, the softness of her shoulder, breast and arm is illuminated. Therefore, I see her masculine hand as obstructing the view of her softness, her vulnerability, from the figure on her left, who is off the canvas.

So, I suppose I see this woman as someone who is misunderstood. She is soft and feminine, but often, the first thing one notices about her is her masculine qualities (intellect, assertiveness, competitiveness, maybe?). Or perhaps, this image reflects the struggle of defining what it means to be a woman, given the striking juxtaposition of the masculine hand next to the soft shoulder. Or maybe this girl is guarding her vulnerability by using her masculinity as a shield. She doesn't want her softness to be seen.

See? It's a projective. : )

The Brotherhood of Man

2009-01-21T21:55:00.000-08:00

This song by The Innocence Mission* has been haunting me:

In a time where so much mistrust has been fostered between nations, religious groups, and between people and their governments, in a economic system designed to promote the survival of the fittest of the fit, and within the Church where individuals are feeling increasingly isolated--let's get some "brotherhood" going.

Christina

*I first heard it as part of the soundtrack to the short film, "Weathered," directed by Matt Barber and Matthew S. Webb. Great movie, if you ever get the chance to see it.

The Getty and Matthew 26:6-13

2009-01-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table. When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. "Why this waste?" they asked. "This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor."

Aware of this, Jesus said to them, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

Some friends and I visited the J. Paul Getty Museum in Brentwood yesterday, which houses five galleries and a central garden that contains over 500 types of plants. However, the Getty Center is probably most known for its unique architectural design. Located on the Santa Monica hills, the Center offers breathtaking views of both the city of Los Angeles and the Pacific Ocean. Natural light illuminates the interior and is adjusted by a system of computerized shades. The exterior of the building is made of blocks of a beige stone called travertine, which ends up looking immaculately white against the blue Los Angeles sky.

The Getty Center is one of the most beautiful buildings in the world. And thanks to individuals with a lot of money to invest and a lot of love for the visual arts, the museum is open to the public, free of charge (except for parking).

That being said, the maintenance of the Getty is (obviously) quite costly. The building itself cost about 1.2 billion to construct, and who knows the net worth of all the paintings, sculptures, photographs and sketches in the galleries, or of the plants in the central garden. A lot of time, energy, and finances were put into this thing to make it happen. And I couldn't help but wonder, as beautiful as the Getty is, couldn't all this money have gone to something more...useful?

As Christians (and as members of the human race), shouldn't we prioritize giving to the poor above our own, seemingly selfish need for aesthetic fulfillment? How much could have been done in the name of justice and mercy with 1.2 billion dollars? I love the arts but, shouldn't I love the needy even more?

So, of course, this issue was addressed somewhat on the car ride home--mostly with this guy--and I continued to think about it when I was back in the apartment later that evening. Then, this morning, the passage from Matthew came to mind. And although a perfect correlation can't necessarily be made between the pouring of expensive perfume on Jesus' feet and the construction of a billion-dollar museum building, there are at least some parallels that can be drawn.

Similar to the myrrh that was poured from the alabaster jar, works of art are costly, precious acts of worship. They are a testament to God's graciousness in giving humans the capacity to create beautiful things for each other that inspire and stir the deepest emotions within us. Art moves the soul (or, it moves our "soulishness," depending on who you talk to). It touches the depths of what it means to be human. And I would guess that it gives God much pleasure to see His children serve each other in such a profound way, using the creative gifts that He blessed them with.

So, although we are called to serve the less fortunate, we are also called to worship, and part of worship is taking the time to invest in, appreciate, and be awestruck by the beauty that we, as the human race, are capable of creating, thanks to a loving Heavenly Father.

The poor will always be with us, but the arts are something that must be deliberately nurtured in order to be kept alive, and worship itself is something that must be that is initiated by us. I guess the key is just finding a good balance.

Surviving Amidst Capitalism

2009-01-02T00:38:00.000-08:00

Forgive me if this is too simplistic, but for the last couple of days, I've come to the conclusion that, in our society, there are two things that are crucial to survival: resources and strategy.

Resources are "assets that can be drawn upon by a person or organization in order to function effectively" (thank you, dictionary widget!). Money, education, and social support are examples of resources that most of us rely on to get through life.

The ability to strategize is the ability to carefully plan in order to achieve an end of some kind. A good strategist will use his or her resources in the most efficient way possible in order to reach a goal. A good strategy requires foresight, vigilance, and a lot of effort.**

Very few people are both wealthy in resources and adept in strategy-making. Most people who are doing decently well in our society either make up for their lack of wealth with their ability to strategize, or are fortunate enough to be able to balance out their poor judgment with an excess of resources.

However, those that are not doing so well are likely in complete deprivation of resources, strategy, or both. You could find the smartest person in the world on the streets because they have no social network, no money, etc. You could give someone in need $1000 and they could completely blow it on something useless, simply because they don't have the common sense to save, or invest, or to live according to a set of priorities.

You need money to make money. But you need smarts, too. Maybe more people wouldn't be so down on their "luck" if they could just sit through a Money Management 101 course--and if those that are in the "know" about survival would be a bit more generous with their hard-earned resources.

If you're wanting to help, here's a place that's worth investing your resources in.

Christina

*As with all my "conclusions," this one might change one day.
**And often, good strategy is involved with good resources. How many of us learned strategy (how to pay for school, how to make the most of our education, how to save, invest, and spend money wisely, how to network, etc.) from more experienced individuals in our social support networks who invested tons of time and effort into us (parents, teachers, relatives, etc.)?

Highlights of 2008

2008-12-30T23:49:00.000-08:00

Friday February 15 @ The Echo in Los Angeles
I saw St. Vincent in concert with Mel. Great Show. Annie Clark is an amazing guitarist, vocalist and lyricist. I was blown away by the creativity in her music, which I think can only be fully appreciated when experienced live. Talented and beautiful. I hate her. Just kidding.

Thursday, May 1-Monday, May 5 in New York City, New York
I spent six days in a hostel in NYC with a friend. We ate the best pizza ever and saw Fuerzabruta. Thinking about this trip reminds me of how fortunate I am to have this person in my life. He's solid and genuine--qualities not so easily found.

Wednesday, August 20 @ a studio in Culver City
I auditioned for the game show, "Deal or No Deal." Because...why not? I met some fun people, got to talk about myself in front of an audience and pretended to win $500,000 in front of a camera. It was fun. They still haven't called me.

Sunday, October 19 @ Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale, CA
I had a day retreat in a cemetery. It was peaceful and beautiful--some of the most moving pieces of art I've ever experienced are at Forest Lawn. The retreat ended with a really wonderful, encouraging prayer session with one of my closest friends at Fuller. We need to do this again, soon.

Friday, October 31 @ a Couple of Parties
September and October were especially rough months. Halloween was the perfect excuse for me to express my angst. And who doesn't love Margot Tenenbaum anyway, am I right?

Friday, November 21 @ Conrad's
Ann and I got to talking, and we ended up writing the outline of my dissertation question and method on a napkin, which I presented to Dr. Brown the next day, who gave me an enthusiastic go-ahead. He told me to start collecting data A.S.A.P. I reminded him I still needed to write my Master's Thesis. "Oh, yes. Of course," he replied.

Thursday, November 27 @ home in San Jose, CA
Thanksgiving. An incident occurred during which I was reminded that my brother and sisters have my back. Always. This meant a lot. Thanks guys.

Lots and Lots of Weddings
Joanne and Alex, March 8 in Alta Dena, CA
Rachel and Dave, April 19 in Palo Alto, CA
Kathy and Andrew, May 3 in New York City, NY
Garland and Cyntha, June 7 in Irvine, CA
Josh and Janelle, June 22 in Upland, CA
Joanne and Danny, June 28 in Studio City, CA
Benson and Audrey, August 23 in San Diego, CA

It was a good year. : )

Christina

P.S. I was scanning through my iCal as I wrote this entry.

Read this if you want to know more...

2008-12-23T10:24:00.000-08:00

About non-reductive physicalism but you don't want to read a whole book:

Science, Faith, and Human Nature: Reconciling Neuropsychology and Christian Theology, by Dr. Warren S. Brown

It's a lecture. Very readable and conversational.

Beware of the Bystander Effect

2008-12-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

Every psychology student knows about this phenomenon: In a given situation where an observer sees someone else in need or in danger, he or she less likely to come to the person's aid if there are other people around.

It sounds shocking, but many experiments have confirmed the validity of the Bystander Effect. Social Psychologists have two main explanations for this behavior: 1) The observer assumes that, since there are others around, someone else must have called for help already, so the observer him/herself needn't bother and 2) the observer assumes that the situation must not be very severe, since no one else has done anything about it.

In many cases, both of the above assumptions are wrongly presupposed, and the person in need remains in need. As a matter of fact, that person is actually MORE likely to get help if FEWER bystanders are around!

I was reminded today that I need to be more aware of my susceptibility to the Bystander Effect. There are people in need all around me, and I brush them off, assuming that they've been offered plenty of help and have rejected it, or that some social welfare organization will step in and take care of everything. For months, these assumptions justified my apathy, and one conversation today completely exposed me to their falsity.*

As Christians, it is our duty to defend and protect the weak and the poor. And that being said, as Christians, we need to be wary of the Bystander Effect. Don't let it blind you, and don't let it inhibit you from doing God's work. Never assume!

The good thing about the Bystander Effect is that it doesn't take much to stop it from running its full course. All you have to do is approach the person in need and ask if you could help them. And if you're lucky** (like I am), you'll have good brothers and sisters in Christ around you who are willing to help, too.

Christina

*Have you ever been utterly amazed, after being proven wrong, how completely, astoundingly WRONG you actually WERE? Well, that's how I felt today. It was as if lies and untruth had somehow crept their way into my head and settled there without my really noticing. Scary how that can happen!

**or blessed, rather...

Non-reductive physicalism. Yeah, I'm down.

2008-12-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well, for the most part anyway.

Most of my understanding of non-reductive physicalism is derived from the work of my adviser at Fuller, Dr. Warren S. Brown, and the book, Bodies and Souls, or Spirited Bodies? by Dr. Nancey Murphy (also at Fuller). In a nutshell, non-reductive physicalism makes the claim that the human "soul" is an entirely physical entity. We humans are not composed of immaterial soul and physical body. Rather, it is the complexity of our neurophysiology that gives us that quality which sets us apart from all other living things. This is our "soulishness."

Now, I'll admit that I freaked out a little when I first discovered that my adviser, the individual who would be guiding my education and research for the next six years, was an advocate of monism (as opposed to dualism). I mean, can you call yourself a Christian if you don't even have a soul (or think you have one)?

Well, my answer to that, obviously, is "yes," considering the title of this post. And, I'll let you know now that I am not going to defend Christian monism here--you can read Brown and Murphy for that. Instead, I am going to share 1) what caused me to have leanings toward non-reductive physicalism, 2) how non-reductive physicalism has been shaping my faith, and 3) some unanswered questions I have about the whole thing.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible:

1) First, Christian doctrines are not necessarily Biblically derived. One such doctrine is that of dualism,* which is actually a product of Greek philosophy (Platonism). Of course, just because a doctrine stems from a non-Jewish or non-Christian source doesn't mean it has to be completely disregarded. Still, it doesn't mean we shouldn't put its validity into question. Second, As our understanding of the mechanisms of the brain increases, we find that more qualities and abilities that used to be attributed to the soul (emotion, cognition, etc.) can be explained by the physiology of the brain. The need for the concept of the "soul" becomes less relevant, then.

2) Dualism tends to put a hierarchy on the composition of the person; Soul > Body and, therefore, Immaterial > Physical. When Soul = Body, as in monism, this hierarchy disappears, and suddenly, the physical becomes much more central to the Christian faith. A brief survey of the implications:

-As purely physical beings, humans can more greatly appreciate the physical in general. When considering monism, I also consider my role in caring for, appreciating, rejoicing in the physical world around me**.

-The physical needs of those who are suffering become just as important as the spiritual, since they are essentially one and the same. If I offer someone the gift of salvation, should I not also offer them food, water, shelter?

Therefore, the focus of my Christian walk becomes equally "outward" as "inward." Nourishing my "soulishness" is just as important as serving God "outwardly" in service to the poor, encouragement within the Body, caring for the environment, and so forth.

3) Under dualism, every soul is worth the same. Under monism, it seems there is potential for one person's "soulishness" to be less "valuable" than another's. For example, what are we to do with the mentally handicapped? Those who have suffered brain damage? Was Phineas Gage a better man, in God's eyes, before the iron rod shot through his orbitofrontal cortex? As someone who works with kids on the autism spectrum, and does research with individuals who lack a vital part of the brain, these questions confront me rather frequently. Like most issues, doctrines and standards become more difficult to swallow when you find they are dissonant with personal experience.

So, clearly, I am still figuring things out in this arena. I apologize for this rather sketchy exposition of my thoughts (and by "sketchy" I mean brief and undetailed). But, I'm hoping it at least gave you something to think about.

Christina

P.S. In terms of the "afterlife" I believe (for now, anyway) that when we die, we stay dead until the Resurrection, when our bodies are miraculously restored (I assume they'll also be "improved"--like Jesus' resurrected body, that could teleport and walk through walls. hehe.) and we join Jesus. More on this later, maybe.

*Yes, both testaments use the language of "soul" and "spirit" when talking about the human experience, but a) In traditional Jewish thought, the concept an immaterial soul was irrelevant, and b) Even if the biblical scholars were writing on the assumption that body is separate from spirit, they (obviously) did not have access to the knowledge we have of the brain today, and therefore might have had to contribute those inexplicable qualities of humanness to some kind of intrinsic entity--namely, the soul.

**A good book on Christian environmentalism that left me rather convicted: For the Beauty of the Earth: A Christian Vision for Creation Care by Steven Bouma-Prediger.

Why I never tell my friends "It will be okay."

2008-12-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

Because, the truth is, there is no guarantee that tomorrow will be better (or worse) than today. Of course, to some extent, we (and by "we" I mean those that have grown up under the benefits of "upper-classness" in relation to the rest of the world) have control over our lives. We make plans, and often times, those plans are executed successfully. Or, if they're not, we have the potential to work around the kinks and still end up pretty okay.

But even with the cushioning of financial security, good parenting, and even, dare I say it, the guarantee of eternal salvation, there are many things that are beyond our control. No matter how "good we got it," we are rather helpless. We can't control death. We can't control how other people treat us (although, I think to some extent we can have an indirect influence--but that's another entry). We have little, if any, control over the chemical imbalances in our brains that may cause euphoria or depression or a rapid cycling of both extremes. We can't go back in time and change our pasts. We can't look into the future and use that knowledge to avoid unpleasant circumstances. We are limited by space and time.

So, why am I saying all this? Should we as finite, human beings, destined to live out our mortal existence in a fallen, sinful world, throw ourselves a massive pity party? Does this mean we have the right to WHINE?

...No. My point is this: A good life isn't necessarily a life of easy-living and happiness. A good life is trusting in God to help you make the most of what you have been given. That's right. Your life might end up "sucking" really, really, badly. Worse yet, it might even be God's will for your life to "suck"! (And who defines "suck" anyway? Let's be real--it's highly unlikely that our lives will ever reach true "suckiness," in the global scheme of things...) So, I'm saying, suck it up!* Be grateful for everything you have and know that God, through His people, His creation, through anything that He can use (and that is, potentially, EVERYTHING), can give you peace. Joy, even.

I'm not a cynic. I'm not a pessimist. I just think, and this might be extremely arrogant, but I just think this is how it is. And strangely enough, this worldview has given me the deepest joy in life. I know I'm only 25--hardly worthy of saying that I've "lived", but I think maybe I've lived just about enough to know that shit happens, and I refuse to let that be cause enough for me to give up on this life that God has so graciously blessed me with.

Christina

*ugh, that was lame, I know.

Bye-bye, Xanga...

2008-12-19T21:16:00.000-08:00

...Hello Blogger.

Google owns me now.